5 questions that help me assess tech products for my kids.
Spoiler: I think in terms of *environments.*
Much of the public conversation about kids and tech revolves around company names and products. This might be helpful for some contexts, but not for parenting.
Instagram, TikTok, Roblox, YouTube — these aren’t just apps or platforms. They are environments. And we need to start thinking about them the same way we think about any other environment our kids spend time in: schools, friends’ houses, neighborhoods, libraries, theaters, malls.
When your kid asks to go to a friend’s house, you probably ask some questions — especially if you don’t know the family. Who will be there? What are they planning to do? Will there be adults around? These questions feel obvious because we understand physical spaces. We know that context matters, and that different types of environments come with different types of risks.
But when it comes to digital products, we get stuck thinking in terms of brands and features instead of the ENVIRONMENT. So here are five questions I ask myself to help me think about different digital products for my kids — and to decide where I’m okay with them being, and whether we should be there together or if they can be there alone. I also posted a short video about this on Instagram earlier this month.
1. Is it based on user-generated content?
This is the WHAT of a platform.
User-generated content means the content is created by… users. Not by Disney or PBS, not by a production company with editorial standards and legal liability. Just… anyone. Everyone. Everywhere. This could be text-based posts (like what you find on Facebook, X, or Reddit), video (like those on YouTube or TikTok), or photos (like those on Instagram). As with many things, this is a double-edged sword. Enabling the creation and distribution of content without “gatekeepers” has benefits, but it also has downsides and risks.
I like starting with this question because a lot of the platforms that our kids spend time on are not necessarily the ones we think of as “social media.” When people talk about “social media” they are typically talking about products like Instagram and TikTok. YouTube and Roblox are less in the mix, but they are almost entirely made up of user-generated content.
If the answer is yes, they are based on user-generated content, that’s not automatically a dealbreaker. But it does mean I need to think harder about the next three questions, because user-generated content introduces a level of unpredictability and risk that you don’t get in a place with editorial standards and legal liability.
Start thinking: Who creates the content here?
2. Is it algorithmically mediated?
In other words: is what they see, and their experience, on the platform determined by an algorithm? This is the HOW of the platform.
Algorithms are basically rules for computers that invisibly shape our experiences, showing us or guiding us towards certain content, products, and people. This is how social media “feeds” or recommendation engines work, everywhere from Amazon and YouTube, to Netflix and whatever news media you consume.
Algorithms are all optimized for (aka designed to prioritize) something specific. In consumer-facing products they are optimized for “engagement,” which is just a nicer way of saying “attention.” What algorithms are programmed to prioritize drives all activity on the platform, and these platforms are programmed to keep users scrolling and active as frequently as possible, for as long as possible, at any cost.
Start thinking: Is what I’m seeing here determined by an algorithm?
3. Who is on the platform?
As with any environment, one of the biggest factors is who else is there. But in digital products the stakes are higher because unlike a physical space where you can see who’s around, digital environments can be global, anonymous, and completely unregulated.
So is it a closed, private network of people they already know, like a group chat with their soccer team? Or is it public? Can they connect with people they don’t know? Can other people contact them?
Some platforms are basically closed ecosystems, like a private Discord server or a group text. Others are open sewers where literally anyone can show up and say literally anything. There’s a difference between my kid video chatting with their grandparents and my kid being in a public comment section with millions of strangers.
4. What is the platform FOR?
Not what the company says it’s for. But when you actually look at it… what does it look like it’s for? What are people using it to do? What is circulating and happening there?
Companies will tell you their platform is “for connection” or “for creativity” or “for learning.” But if you spend five minutes on it, you can see what it’s actually optimized for, and what is happening on the platform in practice.
5. What’s the management situation?
Is this a space where there’s some level of supervision, or is it a total free-for-all? Forget bad behavior… are there even consequences for behavior that would be illegal in real life?
Here’s a thought experiment: Do you let your kids go to the mall alone? If not, why is TikTok or YouTube or Roblox okay?
Many people seem to think “child safety” features solve the problem. They don’t. Study after study shows that safety features are not a reliable solution. They might reduce exposure to the most vile things floating around online, but they don’t eliminate it, and there are certainly no consequences. In real life, if a stranger approaches your kid at the playground and tries to sell them drugs, or exposes themselves to your kid… they would be arrested. This is not the case online.
The most generous interpretation is that “child safety” features are unreliable, but better than nothing. Another interpretation is that safety features are half-hearted attempts to check boxes that allow companies to say “look, we are trying!” Either way, they create a false sense of confidence for parents.
Meanwhile, tech companies have been dismantling their Trust & Safety teams (shout out to Casey Newton for the helpful synopsis) further reducing the already imperfect infrastructure preventing these platforms from becoming a steaming open sewer.
So when I ask “what’s the management situation,” I’m not asking if behavior is micro-managed. I’m asking if there are rules of any kind, and if those rules are enforced.
……
These 5 questions help me think clearly about what these spaces actually are, and whether they’re appropriate for my kids. Not all digital environments are the same, and treating them like interchangeable “screen time” flattens something that requires a lot more nuance.
So stop thinking about tech in terms of company names. Start thinking about them as environments.
And ask yourself: Would I let my kid hang out here if it were a physical space?
Dr. King + Technology
A lesser known part of Dr. Martin Luther King’s work included technology, and warnings about technology, and how it erodes democracy and increases alienation—especially among the youth.
I will not editorialize, as Dr. Kings words need nothing from me. Here are some of my favorite quotes, along with their sources.
From the Massey lectures, which Dr. King delivered in 1967, just months before his death:
“Nothing in our glittering technology can raise man to new heights, because material growth has been made an end in itself, and, in the absence of moral purpose, man himself becomes smaller as the works of man become bigger.”
He goes on to say…
“Another distortion of the technological revolution is that instead of strengthening democracy… it has helped to eviscerate it. Gargantuan industry and government, woven into an intricate computerized mechanism, leaves the person outside… When an individual is no longer a true participant, when he no longer feels a sense of responsibility to his society, the content of democracy is emptied. When culture is degraded and vulgarity enthroned, when the social system does not build security but induces peril, inexorably the individual is impelled to pull away from a soulless society. This process produces alienation — perhaps the most pervasive and insidious development in contemporary society… Alienation should be foreign to the young. Growth requires connection and trust. Alienation is a form of living death. It is the acid of despair that dissolves society.”
Read. That. Again.
From Dr. King’s Nobel Prize lecture, given December 11, 1964:
“… in spite of these spectacular strides in science and technology, and still unlimited ones to come, something basic is missing. There is a sort of poverty of the spirit which stands in glaring contrast to our scientific and technological abundance. The richer we have become materially, the poorer we have become morally and spiritually.”
And he goes on to say:
“Every man lives in two realms, the internal and the external. The internal is that realm of spiritual ends expressed in art, literature, morals, and religion. The external is that complex of devices, techniques, mechanisms, and instrumentalities by means of which we live. Our problem today is that we have allowed the internal to become lost in the external. We have allowed the means by which we live to outdistance the ends for which we live.”
Amen.
Wow. Thank you for this!