Newsletter 3: When should I give my kid a phone?
It's not the phone. The problem is the internet, and algorithmically-mediated products and experiences.
We all wish it was simple, but it’s not.
“Mom, when can I get a phone?” The question I’ve been dreading has arrived.
I took a deep breath and responded: I’m not sure, probably high school. But I have a question for you… why do you want a phone? What would you do with it?
My 8 year old twins, who are night and day on everything said some version of: Play games. Call my friends. Look at funny videos. Take pictures.
Ok I thought, I can work with this. Thankfully they haven’t been exposed to social media much… To date, their experience with phones has been mostly FaceTime, and scrolling through a folder of videos that I save for them that are some combination of funny, cute, and inspiring.
So I responded: Ok. You don’t need a phone to do those things. And I guess now I am committed to giving them the “analog” versions for each of those things, so we can delay the phone conversation as long as possible. Of course this requires other parents at our school to do the same, so I’ll report back on how this goes. But I digress.
Source: Image by freepik
When should I give my kid a phone?
In short: shrug. This is one of those questions that people can (and do) debate endlessly. It depends on all sorts of factors, including the kids themselves, context, acute needs, etc… My two cents: if it’s not connected to the internet, now is probably fine. Why? Because it’s not the phone that is the problem. The problem is the internet, and algorithmically-mediated products and experiences.
Phones were once solely a tool for communication, but over the past 20 years a mobile phone is no longer a phone — it’s a computer, it’s a camera, it’s your worksuite, email, shopping, music, news, tv, banking, calendar. Phonecalls and text are almost secondary to everything else on the phone. That’s why we are on it all the damn time. A phone is no longer a phone, it’s a digital interface for almost every part of your life. On top of that, algorithmically-driven products mediate everything from information and entertainment, to relationships.
So for kids (and frankly, for all of us…) it’s not the PHONE that is the problem — it’s what’s on *any* internet-connected device, which is… EVERYTHING.
A mobile phone exacerbates this problem because it comes with you everywhere. Not only is it everything and everyone in your pocket at all times, but it also aggressively demands your attention constantly. It pierces through your pocket and constantly says Hey, hey! Look at this! Hey hey! There’s a sale at your favorite store! Psssst, [friend] is at this party. Did you know [friend] went to Paris for the weekend? A mobile phone gives the whole world permission to compete for your time and attention at all times of the day. Ask yourself how YOU are doing with this, and then consider what is reasonable to expect of a kid.
So when we ask “when should I give my kid a phone?” I think the question we should really be asking is: “when should I allow my kid to be online unsupervised?”
My answer to *that* question is: when you’re ready for their innocence to end.
I know that sounds extreme. But pause and consider for a moment… do you allow your 8 year old to watch porn? Do you want your 6 year old hanging out with people who advocate for the abuse of women? Do you want your 12 year old watching videos of assassinations? Do you want your kids hanging out with friends who self-mutilate? These are all things that not only happen online, but are actively promoted by pretty much all platforms precisely because they get attention.
Study after study shows that safety features are not a reliable solution.
A recent study of Instagram Teen accounts found that 30 out of 47 safety tools for teens on Instagram were “substantially ineffective or no longer exist.” The study found that teens were still being shown “content that was in violation of Instagram’s own rules, including posts describing “demeaning sexual acts” as well as autocompleting suggestions for search terms promoting suicide, self-harm or eating disorders.” Another report details how Meta’s deliberate design choices make Instagram unsafe for kids.
A 2023 study found that after just 10 minutes on TikTok (with low-level engagement with harmful content) researcher’s 13-year old accounts were targeted with content explicitly promoting suicide and violence.
Roblox safety features continuously fall short in study after study.
And don’t get me started on YouTube (I’ll do a separate post on it at some point). This one is even on your TV, and you don’t think of it as social media… but it’s user-generated content that is fed to you algorithmically, and you can engage with other users. They also quietly loosened their rules earlier this year, keeping videos up that include nudity, graphic violence, and hate speech.
Safety features might reduce exposure, but they don’t eliminate it. We need to be crystal clear about this. You cannot expect companies to prevent your kids from seeing particular kinds of content. It does not work like movie ratings or network TV, largely because the companies face no real legal constraints.
So set your expectations in the right place: tech companies have one singular goal: to addict you at all costs. Any other publicly stated goal is bullshit.
On top of that, there is precisely zero disincentive for this. Our elected officials have given the entire industry a free pass to behave as if the rules of our society do not apply to them — even though there is no AI exemption in the law. (By the way, Erie Meyer & Stephanie T. Nguyen wrote a reference guide clearly laying out how existing laws most definitely DO apply to AI chatbots.)
For kids, a phone is freedom in a world where they have none.
Let’s consider the purpose of a phone, as KIDS see it… a phone is freedom, in a world in which they have none. It’s a place where they can communicate with their friends, explore, read, etc… without an adult hovering over them at every moment. This is why it is insufficient to limit or delay a phone — it has to be accompanied by an increase of freedom and independence in other parts of life.
For kids a phone is freedom and privacy. But that is not what they are getting. They are getting algorithmically-mediated freedom, with the ILLUSION of privacy. They cannot see or feel the degree to which what they experience as freedom is actually controlled by someone else. They don’t realize that they are trading their parents for corporations that have the singular goal of using the information they collect to addict and manipulate them.
So again, the question is not when should I give my kid a phone — it is when should I allow my kid to be online unsupervised?
Because being online involves three things that makes it risky for kids:
Strangers (read: creeps…)
User-generated content (and now AI-generated content), which means users can share *whatever* they want.
Algorithmically mediated experiences that are designed for addiction, because the more users “engage”, the more companies profit. And guess what gets a whole lot of engagement? Rage, porn, hate, and violence.
This video captures the problem pretty perfectly…
Kids want freedom and privacy and connection, and what we are giving them is the equivalent of letting them walk around a major city alone. Could a 16 year old handle it? If they’ve been prepared well, sure. There are loads of kids in NYC who ride the subway and go to/from school alone. They have learned how to do this. They have learned how to navigate the city.
Kids need to be prepared.
We need to give them scaffolding and help them build the muscles they need for whatever is coming next. That means SHOWING them, not telling them. It is insufficient to talk to kids about risks. You have to do it with them, take them along with you… EXPERIENCE it together. How do you teach your kids to cook? Do you just hand them a knife and cutting board and explain how to cut an apple? If you do, please share your tricks, but I’m guessing most of you SHOW your kids first, and maybe even do it together a few times. Maybe practicing with a duller knife first.
This post by The Gamer Educator compares phones to pools / swimming:
To me, this is it. This is a point that danah boyd also laid out in a post last year, using skiing and crossing the street as metaphors, and I have found her framework of risk vs harm unbelievably useful. Though I think where I diverge from the pools, skiing, and street metaphors is that I do believe companies bear an outsized responsibility for designing products that actively obstruct responsible decisions. It would be like learning to swim in a pool that identified when you were tired and then created a current you needed to swim against.
So, first: change the question from “when should I give my kid a phone?” to “when should I allow my kid to be online unsupervised?”
And remember: having a phone doesn’t require social media. Smartphones and social media do not have to be a package deal.
Second: consider how you might build “scaffolding” to begin preparing them for being online and whatever they might be exposed to… because the uncomfortable truth is that there’s only so much you can do to prevent them from exposure to whatever it is that you want to protect them from. Your kids will be exposed second and third hand (at pretty much any age) if other kids around them have devices, so they still need to be prepared in a way that’s age-appropriate.
Here’s what I say to my 8 and 6 year olds:
The internet is basically the whole world, on a screen. There are a lot of things that happen in the world, and online, that are not appropriate for kids. It’s my job to keep you safe — but it’s also my job to help you become the best version of you. So for now, we will go on the internet together, until you learn how it all works… ok? And if you ever see something that makes you uncomfortable, close your eyes, look/walk away, and call for an adult.
**I would LOVE to hear how you are approaching this. If you’d like to share your thoughts / thinking, comment here, or DM me on Substack or Instagram.
Further down the rabbit hole…
A great piece by danah boyd, laying out the distinction between risk and harm, and the importance of teaching kids how to navigate the dangers associated with the internet and products they use.
A 2021 report by Amanda Lenhart and Kellie Owens that lays out what they learned from over 20 interviews with tech industry professionals. Unsurprisingly, they found that “… young users are treated as an afterthought and not considered in the typical definition of an ‘average user.”’ They also found that companies use “strategic forms of ignorance to abdicate responsibility” (this is why companies don’t collect data on young people), deprioritize user well-being, and are structured in a way that makes interventions challenging. Download full report here.
Stray thoughts.
South Park released an absolutely genius episode ripping into AI and the tech industry. It’s worth watching.
A new reference guide clearly lays out how current laws absolutely DO apply to AI chatbots: “There is no AI exemption in the law. Federal and state consumer protection, data privacy, and data security statutes continue to apply, even with “new” technologies. Bravo to Erie Meyer, Stephanie T. Nguyen & their team. I’m eager to see if/how toymakers who are planning to integrate AI into toys respond to this…
Speaking of toys… Toy Story 5 is coming out, and the villain is… a tablet.
Filters and AI are literally warping our perception of reality. Watch Em Clarkson demonstrate how are images can be manipulated.
Brain Snacks
Some favorites from my corner of the internet…
Hey, great read as always. Your strategy to give them the 'analog' versions first is so smart and definitly something I’d consider if I had kids now. It just makes me think, what if down the line they need a phone for something like school-related group projects or even just to securely login to a homework portal? That feels like the ultimate design challenge, balancing utility with safety, eh?